The funniest part of the beginning of this thought is that some of my friends think I’m a hipster, or maybe they just think I’m a wannabe hipster.
I’ve always struggled with that – self vs. perceived-self. I know who I am, but still worry incessently about who people think I am.
Or even how people think I think I am.
I think my worst nightmare is to be thought of as a poser.
In truth, I really have no idea how others perceive me. I’d like to say I don’t care, but I do. Not in the sense of how I dress or look, or being “hip”, but that people know I’m genuine – that I’m honest, real, not a front. I think this will always be an internal struggle for me.
And I want to be better than I often fool myself to be.
I get caught in my own self-created hype.
I wish I was smarter, a lot smarter. I know some pretty brilliant people, and I am certainly not one of them.
I wish i was more driven. I’ve met some inspiring people, and I am less than accomplished.
I wish I was a better person. I know some friends who truly get life, and I’ve walked in the same circle for years.
As of this writing, I’m not ready to break a mentality instantly that took more than a decade to build, but I’m stepping off the curb. No more circles. Let’s see where enlightenment can truly take us.